oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
