I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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