It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
