either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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