Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Randomize
