You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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