I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
