if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
