Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
