i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
