I skipped work to stalk him.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
