I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
