I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
