And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
