Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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