I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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