mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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