Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
