franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
