can we get nightvision for the apartment?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
