I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
