My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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