she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
