Me. At least after what I've been through.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
