mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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