He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
