that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
