I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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