I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
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