Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Randomize
