and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
you are never too drunk for berry picking
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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