I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
