The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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