now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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