It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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