Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
