Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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