My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
