Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
