Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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