Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
