you would pick up someone in the library
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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