nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
