There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
