My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
