WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
