got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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