i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
