I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
