He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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