Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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