I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
