Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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