Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
