I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
